The Miscellaneous Goings On Of Tom - Lockdown Struggles
It's Harder The Third Time Round, But What Can You Do?
I think everyone agrees with the sentiment in the title. This lockdown is hitting so much harder than the previous two (the fact I have to say two instead of one is a joke in itself). I mean, I absolutely love winter and I've enjoyed being out as the sun sets in beautiful shades of red and orange. January as a month though, is a nightmare. It lasts so long regardless of how quickly you spend your time and given that we are 14 days into 2021, the world just continues to descend into chaos and madness. The bleakness of today seems to echo that of the emotions we are all currently experiencing. There is a bit of hopelessness attached to that, but the best thing for me it comes out of frustration instead of the darker place that I was previously in. The anger I feel towards the situation is that I feel it's holding me back from my progression as a person, not a new source of pain to suffer through. Whilst I've said reading has given me a big boost of escapism and I'm enjoying my reading challenge that I set for myself this year, I'm yearning to go out into the world and see the very real places in these books. The biggest issue is the lack of motivation, it can be hard to find the will power to leave your bed on these cold mornings, and just the general feeling of being uninspired. Alongside the real world problems of not working, not feeling secure on furlough, it is all just a giant steaming pile of crap. I know I'm not the only one that feels like this and nor will I be the last, but whilst I am processing all this, I still have an end goal in mind.
One of the best things about having this much time to think is you can plan ideas, which in turns lifts your hopes. My family know that as soon as we can travel safely again I'm getting on the first plane I can out of here, and I have started to formulate a little spreadsheet of where I want to go and what I want to see. I've found its the smallest things that keep your mind occupied and active, and it has helped. This time I see the lockdown as the real test of how far I've come as a person and how I cope with uncertainty and instability. Before I used to retreat into myself, sleep for ages, play games and doom scroll, just waste my day essentially. Now I want to make the most of my days, I sit and do 15-30mins of German on Duolingo, I write, I read etc., one thing I'm thankful for is that I can feel myself breaking certain negative habits and it gives me such an endorphin rush because I feel like I'm reclaiming myself and in doing so I'm reconnecting with passions that were once suppressed under the heavy weight of bad mental health. I guess what I'm trying to say is that in these dark times, find if you can, something that ignites your passion and consumes your mind, even if its the smallest thing. Invest in yourself, I know it is easier said than done and there is a degree of cabin fever but I believe that you can find a cause in this mess we find ourselves in. I want us all to get through this once more, and if the sea shanties keep becoming popular then I cannot wait for the day that I see you in the pub for an old fashioned sing song!
What I'm Listening To At This Very Moment