The Miscellaneous Goings On Of Tom - It's All Happening!
It's All Happening But It's All Good!
Apologies for my silence this week, I felt that I had to take a short break from Fjordhammer as various other buts of work have consumed me. Still adjusting to a new routine whilst going back to work in the pub the last two weeks has been mentally exhausting as my internal schedule is all thrown out. This has also lead to me feeling like I can't really switch off, which as we know can be damaging to the efforts I have made on my mental health and dealing with toxic productivity. The confusing thing is that instead of being productive for feeling like I need to do something, its productivity through determination and ambition, as I am seeing my efforts pay off with opportunities and I want to make the most of them. However, through this I have to remember to make time for myself and to allow myself to switch off, which just recently has become a bit difficult and I when I get down I start to doubt and question my abilities in the quest to find my place in the industry that I love. I did just that at the beginning of this week, and had two-ish wonderful days of exploration, chilling and good food. With a heart this full and content, it really brought home to me how far I've come, how hard I've worked and how much I now have that I don't ever want to lose. It is scary when you've never had this much positivity before and your heart feels like it's bursting out your chest. It all became a bit overwhelming yesterday and as I walked home from at quiet shift in the rain my thoughts overtook me and as the scenery melted away I couldn't believe the milestone that I have reached on this journey of healing. Whilst I left after these two-ish days under a cloud of sadness and mind fogged by nothing but the memories I had just created (a cloud that still hangs over me today akin to post-gig depression), the complex patchwork of emotions is so hard to decipher. When you know your mind thrives on logic, process and reason, something so exciting, adrenaline inducing and in the moment can send you into a panicked overdrive of sorts. Even though this happened, I am thankful it did, as it made me realise how intensely I can feel. After years of feeling nothing and emptiness, I am now feeling everything. Although it's scary at times, I know I deserve this happiness, this absolute joy and brilliant intensity. I love all the roles that I have taken on in different ways and all this wonderful experience I'm gathering will only help me in the future. More importantly though, the people in my life are my key focus, as we come out of this hell 12 months, making sure that they know that I'm always here for them, always ready and willing to help and get through the many challenges yet to come together as well as enjoying all the positives with them. At the end of the day, I feel like I'm part of something greater than myself now, although it is not gigantic my animist values makes me feel like I am connected to something. I feel like I am being guided through these times by the people around me and forces that I cannot see. So, while I continue to work out how to rebalance my life, I want to show my gratitude to everyone. I know I say it a lot but I truly appreciate all your support, love and kindness. Every day I wake up and feel a little bit more healed, which is a wonderful feeling.
What I'm Listening To At This Very Moment